Year: 2011
Directed by: Noburo Iguchi
If
the actual title didn’t already work as a not-so fair warning of
horrible things to come, the piece in question can better be
described as a “proud” member of the alien tentacle/zombie
exploitation sub-genre (yes, there is one), a brand of Japanese hardcore trash
gory b-movie finesse
in which director Noburo Iguchi seems to specialize.
At
this point I could easily stop writing this review and tell you to
avoid any physical or psychological contact with this particular
product quite literally defecated from the dirtiest bowels of Nippon.
In fact, I should be absolutely clear about the point I want to make
without circling it ambiguously for too long: you don’t want to see
this film. You might be inclined to seek it out of genuine curiosity
or just to “enrich” your personal “things I’m never going to
show to anybody” collection but, truthfully, it’s just not worth
it. This little gem will not only pulverize every perceptible ounce
of your grey matter, it will disgust you, repel you and push your
mind to the edge like only the best “So Bad it’s Not
Good” schlock will ever manage to do. Let
me put that statement into perspective by proposing a unique
comparison with a rather heated milestone of filmmaking controversy.
Pier Paolo Pasolini’s “120 Days of Sodom” (which you might know
if you studied cinema) was a fierce, unapologetic, rage-induced
denunciatory outcry against modern society that chose a very peculiar
Marquise DeSade-inspired allegory in order to represent said
resentment. To be more specific, this magnum
opus was a three hours-long 1970’s
“artsy” exploitation film that depicted the symbolic figures of
all the economic, political and religious powers torturing young
people via mass rape, faeces-based meals and sadistic dismemberment.
Now,
if said film’s level of uncomfortable horridness was not only a
hundred times heightened but also completely deprived of its
underlying theme in favour of an insanely gratuitous form of kinky
comedy that utterly fails at being even remotely funny, you would
basically have the heavily-censored version of “Zombie Ass: Toilet
of the Dead.”
With
all of that said, let us delve into it.
Our
story begins with a group of stereotypical teenagers entirely
comprised of an otaku
with severe stomach issues, an imposing harlot that constantly acts
like she owns the place, a very generic airhead, her ridiculously
thug-ish boyfriend whose favourite activities are either molestation
or drug addiction, and the even more generic sailor-type school
uniform-wearing main heroine with a tragic past (as it happens).
Apparently, the “princess-type” of the lot is after some sort of
parasitic worm that should prevent her from gaining weight upon
ingestion therefore she has the “brilliant” idea of dragging the
rest of her so-called friends to the usual cell phone-incapacitating,
undisclosed location that you might have seen in any horror movie
ever made. She finds the aforementioned parasite, she swallows it and
later on she gets a case of exploding diarrhoea - way to go, Captain
Genius! It’s pretty much at the time were she exposes her fine
air-expelling bottom for a “sexy” close up inside a ye
olde cesspool in the middle of the
forest that this flick really starts to show its “cinematic
prowess.” To be precise, a perverted zombie covered in human
excrements comes out of the shitehole in order to grab her dirty
booty.
On
that note, I really, really hope you love
fart jokes more than anything in your life because the rest of the
film pretty much revolves entirely on gas-leaking shticks and several
more unsavoury props coming out of human anuses for about two hours
of total running time.
It
turns out that a local psychotic scientist made a pact with a race of
alien ultra-bodies in order to prolong the life of his even more
psychotic yet sickly daughter: in exchange for hosts to possess (a la
Ganados
from “Resident Evil 4”) the worms would provide some sort of
contrived death-delaying symbiosis with the little girl. Luckily for
us, the improvised Sailor Senshi of
the movie is on the case and she happens to know martial arts. Thus,
in between sporadic scenes of lesbian fan-service with the airheaded
best friend, ludicrous death scenes and the customary flashback that
revealed her younger sister committed suicide because bullies forced
her to fart (there we go), she manages to survive the alien zombie
outburst and kill off the parasite queen by using her own inner gas
as rocket fuel for a mid-air “Dragon Ball Z” battle to the death.
This is a real film.
It
should be also mentioned that the rest of this tripe is filled with
memorable scenes such as our heroes getting attacked by the
ultra-bodies in the shape of drills out of the Ganados’
decomposing posteriors, more farting shenanigans enriched by
surprisingly dull fatalities and a girl getting sexually assaulted to
death by tentacles coming out of another girl’s anus.
This
movie is confounding to say the very least, not just because of its
over-the-top contents of utter repulsiveness, but also due to its
tragic lack of consistency. The brain damaging amount of juvenile
humour and “old-school” misogynistic portrayals of women in this
type of gory bottom-of-the-barrel grindhouse production would give
this flick the somewhat idiomatic feel of a meta-linguistic parody -
a very unfunny, repetitive version thereof. Sadly, the presence of
multiple anal tentacle rape scenes and the suchlike drastically turn
the tides of the movie from “trying to be funny in a lazy,
ineffective way” to just plain “uncomfortably cruel for no good
reason” vibes. The ideal coup de grace
comes in the form of the heavily misplaced climax where the main
character and the villain go completely Shounen
Jump on each other: it might have worked well (but not really) if the
rest of the film had more creativity and variety in its awfulness
instead of regurgitating most of its ideas from the hentai
genre along with an overabundance of
farts. In the end, director Noburo Iguchi just went on and threw
whatever he wanted into his terrible film and it became old quite
fast. It's an atrocious display of wasted talent (because he seems to
be pretty good in handling montages and cheap special effects,
apparently) that wants to be funny but it’s not, and wants to be
sexy but it’s definitely
not. This sort of mind-derailing blob can only be enjoyed by a very
“dedicated” kind of audience.
I
did not like it, by the way. Live-action tentacle porn just doesn’t
work for me. Please, don't take this out of context.
While I would urge any of you to avoid this film like wild fire, I wish to still recommend a couple of other offerings from director Noburo Iguchi's fascinarìting filmography: "Dead Sushi" (2012) is literally about undead sushi coming back to life and eating people; "Gothic Lolita Battle Bear" (2013) is exactly what it sounds like and no other description is required. Unlike "Zombie Ass", both of these entries succeeded in being pure, unapologetically trash, low-brow schlocks that are having fun along with the audience rather than at its expense. They aren't good by any stretch of the imagination but they are legitimately creative and just the right amount of honest. Speaking of honesty, I'm never writing about any of this again. Goodnight, everybody.
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