An
unspecified number of sun cycles ago (about two years), yours truly
and fellow Internet weeby friendo Ross Faries attempted to construct
a bizarre hybrid between a board game and a table-top RPG themed
after anime with a high school setting. The basic premise of said
game had a fun gimmick I concocted during a stormy night of unbridled
inspiration - or, as the doctor called it, a psychotic episode. In
essence: there are twenty available classes for players' selection,
all of which based off the most well-known and obnoxiously
omnipresent stereotypes in the history of the Japan-originated
medium; each class is assigned to a number on the traditional
twenty-sided die which the potential players would have to roll in
order to randomly pick a character. As for the content of the game
itself, that's where we hit the proverbial snag. The project didn't
really move beyond the pre-pre-pre-alpha phase and, in the end, we
just ended up playing a single throwaway session along our group of
friends with made-up rules and story. According to my fellow weeby
friendo Ross Faries, the various blurbs for the character selection
of this hypothetical board/RPG abomination are some of my most funny
and witty writing to date. In light of that, I've decided to share
them publicly for your reading enjoyment. May this supposedly
“hysterical” and “satirical” descriptions of thrashy,
overused high school anime stereotypes elate your day.
Roll-1:
The Senpai
You
are bland and completely uninteresting. You have no remarkable
qualities and you have the personality of a cardboard cut-out of a
milque toast with vanilla cream spread all over it. You have good
looks though and in the unforgiving world of high school that's
really all that matters. You are the most popular kid that ever
lived: girls want you, boys want to be like you and vice versa.
However, your undeserved popularity has its fatal drawbacks. The
player assigned with this unfortunate archetype is constantly
contended between the Tsundere, the Yandere, the Rei Ayanami, the
Transfer Student, the Clumsy Scatterbrain and every other female
background character in the game. May God have mercy on your soul,
you massive prick! No, I'm not envious. Shut up, b-baka!
Roll-1:
The Tsundere
You
are an emotionally twisted individual who can only express her
affection towards somebody through verbal and physical abuse, snide
remarks and a generally toxic behaviour. You have a crush on Senpai
but you are too insecure to be upfront about your feelings. You
resort to constant belittlement in order to earn his undivided
attention, getting downright violent if he dares to even look at
other girls - preferably in the form of a cartoonishly oversized
hammer on his head but creativity is encouraged in this scenario. All
of this makes you a terrible person whose rotten attitude is further
enabled by your peers because everybody thinks you're super
kawaii-desu and whatnot. Due to this environment, you'll most
likely never mature into a well-adjusted human being and you're going
to die alone... Have a fun high school life!
Roll-3: The Yandere
Today
is the day Senpai will finally notice you because you are the only
one for him. He doesn't need anyone else in his life, not his
friends, not his family, not that FAT B**** ASUMI! STOP MAKING KISSY
FACES AT SENPAI I WILL F****** CUT YOU!!! You two are meant to be
together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and even
beyond that! You will make sure of that. On an unrelated note, you
might be completely insane.
Roll-4:
The Pervert
You
are scum. Your maniacal obsession with the female anatomy has given
you plenty of trouble throughout your school life but the promise of
physical pain only served to make you more horny than you were
already - if that's even possible. You have an intimate knowledge of
the girls' locker room, their sizes, their personal super
embarrassing kinks and you also have absolutely no respect for
personal spaces, regardless if your current companionship is male or
female. The only reason you're not a social pariah is because you're
everyone's punching bag. Your mere existence makes everyone else feel
much better about themselves, by comparison. In some weird,
paradoxical and fundamentally disturbing way, your wisdom in regards
of female behaviour is akin to that of an all-knowing long-bearded
sage and that makes you the perfect wingman. That's what I would be
saying if your perception of reality wasn't so utterly warped by your
uncontrollable libido. Get some help, please.
Roll-5: The Otaku
A
socially inept recluse with very specific passions cultivated to the
point of unhealthy obsession. You have recorded every single episode
of your favourite anime, you own every figurine from That One Magical
Girl Show(TM), you have played every 2D shooter video game and dating
sim ever released, you often cosplay as That One Giant Mecha(TM) from
That One Giant Mecha Show(TM) and you have a monthly subscription to
That One Super Cool Military Artillery Magazine(TM). You have no real
friends outside of your long-time childhood pal, the Hot-Blooded
Protagonist, whom just randomly showed up to beat up the bullies that
were harassing you, forging an everlasting bond between the two of
you right after imparting a highly passionate speech about “Believing
in Yourself!” Congratulations, you are a sidekick for life!
Roll-6:
The Yankee
You're
a Rebel without a Cause and you've got dyed blonde hair to prove it!
The Man will never bring you down because you are your own boss with
your own rules which you never follow because SCREW THE RULES, YOU'RE
A REBEL! You're going to make sure everybody (and I do mean
everybody) acknowledges how cool that is. It doesn't matter if
everyone thinks you're a lowlife waste of space and no girl would
ever date you, you can prove the sheeple wrong by picking unnecessary
fights with random people at the slightest hint of provocation - and,
sometimes, no provocation at all. Be sure that your fashion sense
reflects your status as a “Tough Guy You Don't Want to Mess With”
by wearing your school-provided uniform in the most dishevelled way
possible (guaranteed to get you in trouble with the authority) and
get ready to grab the World by its nether regions because NO ONE CAN
HANDLE THIS MUCH REBELLING!!!
Roll-7:
The Edgelord
Crawling
in your skin, these wounds they will not heal. No one can ever
understand your pain, your sorrow, your anger. Your parents gave you
a J-Pop album for your birthday but you wanted the new album by your
favourite Death Metal band!!! You spend your days leaning your back
on carefully chosen gloomy corners, with your arms crossed, your eyes
closed and your whole body frozen in a pensive stance, making sure
people understand how much you don't care about what they think. This
world is nothing but evil and darkness and stuff, and you are the
only one who grasps the fundamental truth of the cosmos... and for
some offensively idiotic reason, girls seem to find you extremely
cool. This, of course, attracts the ire of the Yankee who constantly
tries to pick a fight with you but you promptly ignore him to focus
your attention on your One True Rival: the Hot-Blooded Protagonist!
The only person whose undying, foolish optimism ruffles the
metaphorical feathers of your very literally absurd hairstyle. You
are out to prove him wrong and how little you care about those dreamy
eyes that you wish you could swim in forever and---anyway, ANGST!
Roll-8:
The Foreigner (or Gaijin)
“Bounjour
friendo-san! Life is wunderbar and where can I find the gabinetto?”
You are lost. You are so lost. You are the most lost person to ever
get themselves lost. Stuck in a foreign exchange student program, you
thought your knowledge of the land was great. It was not. You barely
speak a lick of That One Language and you thought this place would
have looked just like one of your “Japanese animes” - which it
kind of does, in fairness. You are weird and out of place in every
possible way and you're also blissfully unaware of how off-putting
that makes you. Your ludicrous height, fashion sense and undefined
accent do not help you in that regard. Perhaps you should have
studied the culture a little bit better before setting off to
forcefully make friends with people who don't want to be around you.
Better luck next time, amigo.
Roll-9:
The Rei Ayanami
You
sit quietly at your desk, minding your own business, paying
superficial attention to the teacher's lecture. You have the best
grades but not that many friends. You can't exactly pinpoint the
reason for your lack of social skills: it may have something to do
with your emotionally dead expression, your unnaturally white/silver
hair, your silent demeanour, the fact that you broke that student's
arm in three parts when he lightly poke you on the shoulder to get
your attention for his charity sell of okonomiyaki or the fact
that you defend the planet from alien invaders aboard a giant robot;
you are not entirely sure. Senpai was the first one who approached
you without fear in a very long time and that gave you the most
reasonable approximation of a positive feeling you could possibly
conjure. You are compelled to defend Senpai from trouble with your
own life, if necessary, which often leads to him getting even more
injured in the process (especially when you feel the need to pilot a
giant robot to do so) but your heart is in the right place, maybe.
It's legitimately hard to tell where your heart is. The player
assigned to this archetype will become rivals with the Transfer
Student.
Roll-10:
The Transfer Student
“Stand
up, students. We have a new classmate to welcome.” says the teacher
in the act of introducing you to the classroom. You feel a bit
nervous in front of so many new faces but you're confident things
will turn out okay. You're eager to make new friends, new memories
and live your school life to the max! You're already half-way there
considering all the boys in the class seem to be very happy to see
you and that makes you glad. Of course, little did your fellow
students know you're actually an alien cyborg Elder God princess from
an alternate universe in a secret mission to scout this planet in
preparation for an imminent hostile invasion because your race feeds
off the souls of mortals... but that minor setback won't deter you
from finding your one true love with whom you exchanged a wedding
promise when you were children. You immediately recognize that person
to be the Senpai sitting on the second to last row of desks, nearby
the window. Will True Love triumph over the extinction of the human
race? Only Senpai's decision will tell. God have mercy on his soul.
The player assigned to this archetype will become rivals with the Rei
Ayanami because she's trying to defend the planet (and Senpai) from
you.
Roll-11:
The Clumsy Scatterbrain
Oh
no! Your alarm clock didn't go off and now you're late for school!
It's the seventh time that happens in a single week! You clumsily
fumble down the stairs like a slinky toy much to the sneer of your
younger brother and the perennial disappointment of your mother. You
run towards the school building with a slice of toasted bread in your
mouth without paying attention to your surroundings. You inevitably
bump rather comically into someone: it's the Senpai! Your mind starts
racing 100 miles a second as you are confronted by the one guy you
always had a crush on ever since the beginning of the academic year -
as in, this past week. You blurt out incomprehensible nonsense as you
try to apologize/greet/confess your feelings to him, all at once.
There is a brief moment during all of this in which your mind begins
daydreaming about fancy weddings in Pre-Revolutionary France
aesthetics. Eventually, you remember the time and resume dashing
towards your destination, leaving a rather befuddled Senpai in the
literal cartoon dust. As you finally make it to the school you
realize, too late, that it's Sunday. Both your family members and
potential boyfriend tried to warn you but you were too busy worrying
about nothing to listen to anything. You are a moron and you are
hopeless. The player assigned to this archetype must perform an
additional D20 roll: if the result is higher than 10, the Clumsy
Scatterbrain will become a Magical Girl with an assigned familiar and
one specific ability that must be chosen on the spot.
Roll-12:
The Super Athletic Tomboy
Sports!
You are good at those! You live and breathe physical activities like
oxygen to your super-humanly trained lungs. Your abs have other abs
on them, your triceps fight for dominance with your quadriceps while
your biceps secretly plan to take over the streets of Crossfitville!
You don't just win medals, medals sporadically gain sentience just
for the privilege of throwing themselves towards your general
direction. Yet, in spite of your Olympic level abilities you are
still inexplicably required to get good grades in school like every
other averagely fit commoner. Your lack of “book smarts” is
apparently your greatest conflict - well, that and also getting a
boyfriend that doesn't think you're too “tall and masculine” to
take out on a date. Regardless, this is nothing to sweat about! You
keep living your life to the max with a big goofy grin plastered on
your face and your intense athletic funk. Oh, that reminds you it's
time for your 34th power shower of the day! Oh but wait,
it's lunch period! Veteran war journalists could not even begin to
fathom the mind-numbing horror of a cafeteria in the wake of your
hungry stomach. You've better burn those calories fast though,
there's that track racing event coming up. Sports! Sports! SPORTS!!!
Roll-13:
The Haughty Princess (Note: not necessarily a literal princess)
OH
OH OH OH OH!!! Scatter away you plebeians, you're in the way of Her
Divinity, the richest, most fabulous, most flawless lady to ever walk
on God's sparkly Earth. All the boys adore you and throw themselves
quite literally at your feet (which you proceed to nonchalantly stomp
on as it is your birthright), and all the girls want to be like you
but their efforts are met with nothing more than derision and scorn.
Sometimes, you enjoy having your large bodyguards carry you to school
on a massive gold-plated throne from the height of which you will
throw daddy's money at the peasants below just because you can.
Nobody is better than you and---wait a minute! Why are you only
number 13 in this selection? That is unacceptable! You are number
one! Time to bribe your way to the top of this list, Princess. If
anything else fails you can always destroy your enemies with your
private robot army because you are the best and there will be no one
else left alive to debate that! The player stuck with this horrible
character might just end up becoming the main villain.
Roll-14:
Pretty Boy (or Bishounen) with Glasses
Stylish.
Glamorous. Smart. Gorgeous. Glasses. These are but a few adjectives
to describe the flawless dignity and pose of your physical presence
amongst your fellow students. Your popularity is second only to that
of Senpai in spite of your superior coolness and "sparkly" personality.
Seriously, your body generates sparkles. It's a medical condition.
Your every motion is studied and deliberately emphatic, every
position your body takes is carefully crafted from years of training
in the theatrical arts. When you lightly poke at your glasses with
your middle finger you achieve maximum, woman-fainting glory. You are
simply too good for this world and you know it. You're going to make
sure everyone else knows it as well.
Roll-15:
The King of Games
Children's
card games are Serious Business and nobody knows that better than
you, the undisputed king of That One Children's Card Game with
Monsters in It(TM)! There is not a single trial in life that can't be
overcome by challenging people to a totally epic duel of wit,
intensity and terribly undefined rules. You are such a serious player
that every match is a matter of life and death to you. That's because
it might literally be the case what with that looming threat of your
soul getting sucked into a shadowy dimension upon losing. Naturally,
the fact that you have been making rules and cards up this entire
time without getting caught speaks volumes of your outstanding
skills! Or maybe people are generally too distracted by your
space/time-defying haircut to notice your blatant cheating? That's
for the judge to decide.
Roll-16:
The Monster Trainer
Hey
kid, what are you doing in high school? Aren't you just 10? What's
that? You have falsified your ID just to get into the building
because it's roaming with super rare collectible made-up creatures
and catching them is your destiny? Well, okay then. Let's see, we
need a proper description for you. You're going to be The Very Best
at enslaving innocent critters and have them fight your battles for
you and possibly die! Or at least, that's what all those obnoxious
animal protection agencies keep telling you because apparently they
have nothing better to do than to bug a kid who's just LIVING THE
DREAM, MAN! It's important that you remind everyone around you about
your monsters being your friends, the Power of Friendship, friends
trust each other, friendship friendship friendship... and what else?
Oh! Medals! Badges! Trainers you've beaten! That whole chestnut.
Look, I'll be blunt: you were not supposed to be in this game. I am
making up your class description as I go! Just be a happy little kid
with a positive attitude and stop bothering me. Next, please!
Roll-17:
The Cute Animal Mascot
You
are... some kind of creature. You're fluffy and adorable but you can
also have quite the attitude! You have a busy schedule for a small
ball of something-that-exists: you are the Magical Girl's familiar,
the Monster Trainer's starter companion, the Card Game Player's main
monster card (somehow), the Princess Type's exotic pet, the Cat
Girl's stern parent figure that tries and fails to get her out of the
house and you're also a certified child psychotherapist. It's too bad
nobody can actually understand what you're saying at any point in
time.
Roll-18:
The Cat Girl
You're
a lazy, deadbeat freeloader who does nothing but eat and sleep -
preferably on somebody's lap. You can get away with pretty much any
sort of spoiled rotten behaviour by being cute. The only thing you're
passionate about is food and pieces of string. You only have two
moods: spunky and half-asleep. Also, you have cat years, a tail and
you finish every sentence with a nyan sound. Also also, you're
supernaturally strong and agile and the resident super athlete really
wants to wrestle you. You're an odd one but people really like you.
They really, really like you.
Roll-19:
The Hot-Blooded Protagonist
The
fire of youthful passion burns in your overcharged veins!
Determination pours out of your eye sockets like incendiary bombs...
of PASSION! Life is a constant challenge to prove yourself and you're
going to overcome all obstacles with the sheer power of your idiotic
optimism. Your self-confidence is so unwavering it could be
weaponized. In fact, scientists from all over the country have been
trying to harness the raw energy of your youth for evil military
purposes which you proceeded to thwart with nothing but a passionate
monologue and your Fist of True Justice! Your idiocy is legendary yet
people are inexplicably drawn to you and your ridiculous
inspirational speeches. Your enthusiasm is contagious and your drive
to be the very best at something-or-the-other makes you an inherently
interesting guy to know - or, at the very least, to watch no-sell
being literally crushed and burnt to death. Never give up! Never back
down! Follow your dreams! Your time is now! JOHN CENA!!!
Roll-20:
Dio Brando
It's
your first day at the new school and you need to make a good
impression. Be sure to jump out of your carriage in the most
theatrical way imaginable and kick the closest innocent critter in
the stomach. That will definitely get you noticed. Proceed to kiss
other people's girlfriends and boastfully announce it to the world so
that everybody will know it was you who did it and no one else. If
somebody gets on your nerves you should go out of your way to make
their life a living hell. Emasculate them in front of your fellow
students, kill their pet animal if they have one, burn their entire
house down, become a powerful vampire and form your own undead army
in order to carry out your petty revenge and make sure everyone
remembers your name as you never stopped yelling it for more than
five seconds. You are the biggest, most over-the-top douchebag who
ever existed and you are absolutely fabulous at it. The player that
gets this role might also become the main villain and team up with
The Princess.
-
That
is all. Thanks for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment